Perfectly Present

For a while, I was actually frightened. The CT Urogram. Think I was worried about the risk of the i/v contrast. The urologist told me that a single exposure to the contrast could damage a person’s already-weakened kidneys; with Lupus patients, they exercise more caution since such patients are already at higher risk of renal malfunction. Since I was doing the Urogram precisely to find out if my kidneys were indeed compromised, this piece of information did not sit altogether easily with me.

IV was more painful this time too – the nurse inserted the cannula near the bone on the inside of my left wrist. I stiffened up after that. It’s usually on the top side of the hand – I wished she had done that instead. But maybe the i/v contrast would have hurt more that way.

The i/v contrast was in this menancing-looking machine, with curly tubes coming out from it and strange green lights. The CT machine was a large, noisy capsule. The i/v contrast hurt – could feel the sticky liquid entering my bloodstream, rushing down my neck to my chest, then down to my hips and feet. As it did, my body heated up – as the radiologist warned that it would. She injected the i/v contrast twice, minutes apart. Then I had to be very still. By the time we were done (felt like an eternity), my bladder was ready to burst. That was the way it was supposed to be.

I felt alone. But I remembered what L smsed me, “The Lord be with you.” Oh Lord, be thou near to me!

We come to Jesus; we put out the empty hand of faith, and rest is given us at once most freely. We possess it at once, and it is ours forever. It is a present rest, rest now – not rest after death, not rest after a time of probation and growth and advancement – but it is rest given when we come to Jesus, given there and then. And it is perfect rest, too… In the blood and righteousness of Jesus, our peace is perfect. – C. H. Spurgeon

Oh Lord I come with heart here open, 
For in my hour of darkness I’m in need. 
Seeking the joy of love unspoken 
Oh Lord, be Thou near to me. 

And the holy voices sing “Hallelu!” 
Ever will Thy reign be. 
As I wander through this life, 
Oh Lord, be Thou near to me. 

Though in this burden of my making 
Yet in the shadows still a light I see 
Maker whose love is not forsaking 
Oh Lord, be thou near to me 

And the holy voices sing “Hallelu!” 
Ever will Thy reign be. 
As I wander through this life, 
Oh Lord, be Thou near to me. 


Trusting feet walk out of hospital.


About lilac butterfly

Live. Love. Learn. Laugh. Write. Draw. Colour. Blend. Play. Dream. Cry. Reflect. Pray. Sing. Worship. Bake. Cook. Rest. Give thanks.


  1. You have so much courage in your faith! May the Lord be with you, indeed.

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