Gone Out

Today, a feeling that I haven’t felt in a very very long time came back in overwhelming magnitude. Honestly, it scared me. It felt like time had suddenly reversed itself and I was instantly standing in circumstances from a time ago, seeing with an old perspective that I’ve prayed so long and tried so hard to be rid of.

Confused. Anxious. Sad. Utterly exhausted.


I am not the person I used to be, swayed the way I used to be.

I thank God for giving me just enough strength and will in that moment to step out of that feeling, look it in the eye and say “Wrong. Lie!”… Then just enough strength to say to Him, “I’m letting go! You know my heart. I’m trusting You.”

For some reason, just hours before that tidal wave of feeling came over me from a culmination of events, I dug up an old newsletter that was pivotal last year – a major turning point. I can’t remember why or how I stumbled upon it today, but when I saw this old newsletter again, many memories flooded my mind. So I took it out and left it aside. After that tidal wave came and went, I re-read the newsletter – and was comforted and surprised that it had exactly what I needed to hear for today (extract below):


Biblical First-Aid for Leaders
May 2010

Unexpected Blessing

…In retrospect, I learned something valuable. I should have approached this trip from the standpoint of knowing that God is faithful, and thus trusted in Him, that He was going to make this trip worthwhile. There were two possibilities that I now see regarding this trip. One, God really did want me to go and I heard Him correctly, or two, I heard incorrectly.

Looking back on it, here is what I see. Even if I had heard incorrectly, God knows my heart and knows that I was doing this to be obedient and to please Him. So even if that was the case, I believe that God would honor that and bless me in some way. He would use it for good (Rom 8:28).

The bottom line is that I need to learn to trust in God more. So I thought I’d share a few stories in this issue that might help us all. Check out what Oswald Chambers has to say in his book My Utmost For His Highest:

He went out, not knowing where he was going. (Heb 11:8)

Have you ever “gone out” in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing… You don’t know what  you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to “go out” in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don’t know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to “go out”, building your confidence in God. 

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do – He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you “go out” in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does? 

Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to “go out” in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to “go out” through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God. 

[Bleedership blog here]


It may take a while to recover from feeling exhausted, but I can laugh at the days to come.



About lilac butterfly

Live. Love. Learn. Laugh. Write. Draw. Colour. Blend. Play. Dream. Cry. Reflect. Pray. Sing. Worship. Bake. Cook. Rest. Give thanks.

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