About 10 days ago, I caught up with some RSS feeds. And came across a blogpost A wrote last month, where she pulled together her theme verses from recent years. It inspired me to look back on my own. Meant to only look 3 years back, but ended up digging up journals from way way back – 1997. I saw so many things. I saw, as a recent book chapter I read wrote, that “The great battles of life are not completely new. They tend to repeat our earlier battles, only they are more intense“.
I would like to be able to say that realising that filled me with great hope and joy (at some point, looking back again, it probably will), but it really isn’t the case at this moment.
It is true that the terrors always passed. By God’s grace, they also faded from active memory.
The flipside of that is, for some things, I never seem to learn.
Someone once said that we know God’s specific will only on hindsight – when we can look back on events and patterns to see the direction of God’s “calling” on our lives.
As I observed the patterns evident in 14 years’ worth of journals, I am wondering if I should simply accept that some things are just the way they are. Put some thoughts – you might even call them desires – to rest, once and for all. Accept that my story will simply not be like that. There are places I should never venture into. Ways of life I will not know. Also accept that certain things will always be there in the narrative. Pray for the conviction that God knows what I can bear and can’t. He has determined appointed times for all things, and placed boundaries for every one of us. For our good.
Some people may jump at this – “No, this reeks of resignation! You mustn’t give yourself over to despair and hopelessness!”. Others may say, “Giving up and letting go is the only way new things can come in – things that are closer to who you are made to be, and meant to do.”
Who is wise about this, except God?