After half a year of not meeting up with any people dear to me, these past two weeks I caught up with a few. Rather, they caught me. For varying lengths of time. Met each of them despite still fighting a 3-week long tonsil infection, simmering fever, lingering nausea and overall weariness. I’m not sure I was fully present in each of those conversations, but they certainly were. Thankful for their kindness.
I don’t like how I’m living my life right now. I don’t think not meeting with people who matter, is a good thing. I’m not even spending much time with my folks (ironic, since I work from home). And I’m really tired of life as a checklist – having to chase and being constantly chased. (But the hard realities are there and if I don’t, there’s no one else to do them.)
At some point, I’m going to run away. Just so I can sit down and catch up with the people who matter. And find new safe spaces, since a few (non-work) safe places seem to cease to be. Life slips away far too quickly – to spend it running off a rubber-time-and-scope-creep checklist is simply silly.
Each of the conversations reflected something of where/what I am now.
Between E and I, Doubt. We actually shook hands about it, even though we both know it isn’t something to be celebrating.
Between CK and I, Honesty. Am thankful for that – it allowed for the chapter to end as cleanly as possible.
Between A and I, Realism. I don’t know if I sounded callous. Unclear to me until we spoke, the season thus far has changed my perspective on vocation, and shifted my priorities again.
Between SK and I, Acknowledgement. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this isn’t the best way to go about things.
Between SC and I, Fish. Yah, a whole fish – roasted! It was good to be in a place where I didn’t have to work my brain or hands too hard, and just enjoy a meal with no pressure (or to-do list!!).
Between AH and I, Plans. Hers, that is. Glad to see that she’s made her decisions. Made me think of myself in an earlier time. Grace for the road ahead.
Between AY and I, Loneliness. She confirmed for me that only those who walk/have walked the same path can empathise well. I don’t feel less lonely, but I do feel a little less weird.
Brilliant but fleeting sunset today. Good analogy. Glad to have been present enough to take in the sunset.
Not for too long though.
I hope this won’t be another sleepless 3-4am night…