The happiness of last Saturday has settled but the sadness has lingered.
Partly the fault of time difference, I tell myself – prolonging a similar event half a world away that to no one else but me, seems like a mockery and re-opening of a wound.
Life goes on all around me of course, and so the deafening mocking sounds are mine to hear.
With that re-opening, I found myself grieving again.
Grieving not the friendship (for in all honesty, there was probably none), but the wasted time. A significant portion of a very special year, marred by foolish choices.
I know there’s no use in saying this, but I say it still:
I wish I could turn back time and choose again. I would run so fast & far away from the choices I made then and slam the laptop shut, tight, till the turn of the year. I can’t believe how stupid I was. Again. In the same way. After so long. How… believing.
Now, I still find myself suddenly recoiling every now and then, and thinking:
Never again. I must never make this mistake again. I must not believe so easily again. Must not be made use of in this way, again. Stay far, far away! Be very, very wary.
Sunday’s message was an encouragement. Rev Soh speaks honestly, and in honest non-judgment I found comfort.
“What do we do when we don’t have faith for certain things? It’s not about psycho-ing yourself up to have faith. There’s no need to cry or scream and give up. Well, be honest. Go to God, tell Him you don’t have faith for those things. Talk to Him about the things you do have faith for. Exercise faith in those things, and He will help you to grow into even more faith for things to come. Don’t turn back. Don’t let go.”
In the four days since Saturday, 11 things/encounters have brought unexpected comfort, diluting the re-grieving that has thrown me off. For every one of them, I am glad.
He doesn’t stop working when my heart’s confidence stops.
Kau Bapaku Yang Baik (Jeffri S Tjandra)