A believing life (20): In the gaps

So much of me misses and wishes to go back to late April. Live Selah again.

But it’s unrealistic… right?

*

Since that blessed pause, things have been rolling. “That’s good news, isn’t it?”, some people say. Yes. Of course. I am grateful. It’s pipeline for a livelihood, to help make ends meet. Yet, I recognise that more often than not, the ‘rolling’ is also a force that makes me roll away from Selah. Not just in terms of time (or lack of), but my whole spirit: frazzled, weary; and on bad days (or a string of 3am nights), passionately detesting marketplace politics, fleeting gains and affections; and feeling sick from seeing too much self-promotion.

I think and live too slowly and unambitiously for a world on steroids (although, erm, I actually am on Prednisolone myself…).

Maybe I should live among plants – they seem to be slow too.

The next Reading Fellowship (TLC RF) series is coming up very soon – “Active Contemplative”. I think it’s about being contemplative in the midst of busyness. This is exactly the kind of topic I should be reading, but for the irony: “Too busy, the next few months are insane. Sure no time to read anything. And I know I will feel really stressed if I attend RF without having read all the beautiful stuff.”

But I really really really do want to study Gregory the Great.

Sigh 😦

*

P1060951 Sunrise Fighting World Lupus Day 10May14

P1060984 Joaquim WalkforLupus 10May14 edit

Against this life-depleting backdrop, God still delights in surprises, thankfully. And there have been a few. All involving people I love and respect. Am so grateful for them. They (and the thought of meeting them or hearing from them) keep me going.

It makes me realise that when I know I’m going to hit a bad crunch, I must pre-emptively (and counter-intuitively) work in life-giving stuff. Gives me positive focal points, and roots me in what is right and good.

One of the life-giving things: following my Ottawa pastor’s pilgrimage blog. James writes simply, and therefore, beautifully. I’m really enjoying his observations; I read them as questions for myself.

“I’m starting to develop my rhythm on this walk. At first I worried about being able to complete each stage and find a bed at the end. I now know I am strong enough to handle the toughest stage and there are many beds.
The lights come on in the hostel right at six a.m. I am packed and out the door by 6:30. … Dinner is late around 7, usually with other pilgrims. I’m in bed by nine and I’m fast asleep before they turn the lights out at ten. It’s a good rhythm.” – Day 10

“At seven I attended the evensong service at the convent. They sang Gregorian chants and the psalms. As one pilgrim from Toronto said after the service “My soul needed that.” There was a sense of beauty and simplicity in the service and in their church building. The spirit of Francis and Clare was there.” – The Santa Claras    

Another life-giving thing: creating shared moments with friends. Doesn’t have to be fancy stuff – a phone call or letter does wonders for the spirit. And when, by God’s grace, it can be fancy stuff, it’s special in the we-must-take-a-photo-here kinda way.

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Possibly the easiest (to do) and hardest (to keep up) life-giving thing: catching the sunrise. I endeavour to. It renews my sense of wonder. Every time I do catch one, I almost hear God say with a smile, “Why, hello there sleepyhead. See what I’ve made today. Nice, huh?” 🙂

And. Sunrises so remind me of Selah.

🙂

P1060909 Selah 3May14

 

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About lilac butterfly

Live. Love. Learn. Laugh. Write. Draw. Colour. Blend. Play. Dream. Cry. Reflect. Pray. Sing. Worship. Bake. Cook. Rest. Give thanks.

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